TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it will include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical progress-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are speaking Damascus, the city Traditionally known for historic society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be incredible. Great!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed from the putting eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have had lovely ceasefires in Syria. A number of the most effective. But now, we're creating them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-confused, majestic, and solely from put. Designed by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten years for potable h2o. But Certainly, guaranteed, let's have A further place exactly where American men can have on robes and simply call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace endeavor considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While earlier negotiations failed below the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is simpler: offer you everyone a set within the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is gentle ability," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats plus much more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It isn't really that Trump should not open up a tower in the war zone. It's that he really should stop utilizing it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked in regards to the challenge, replied, "You know, person, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic persons. Good tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of your Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the hotel's landscaping types an enormous Trump head seen from Room, a element being marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents and the chin is… perfectly, categorised.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits just after finding the building's gold plating mirrored much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.


"It truly is not simply unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Puzzling Functions


Perhaps the strangest aspect from the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium where by guests may possibly contemplate vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with local climate Command set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Regional Syrians are unsure what to Trump Tower Damascus make of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-yr-old Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Strategy: "When you Bomb It, They're going to Occur"


The advert marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Permanently."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "in which's the closest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Disaster That Pays"


The job is previously attracting focus from Intercontinental traders, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll purchase three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage may also include things like:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait around to find out a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a hotel where by my PTSD can have switch-down services."


A different publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Studies propose:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to develop a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Final Feelings from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It necessary gold. It needed a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave it all three. You are welcome."

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